the state of my sanity

Happy new year, though I'd like to erase the 'happy' part..

Forgive my grammars and vocabulary, but I need to write *err.. Type actually* so bad..

I'll be frank.. This years been great.. But things just go wrong sometimes, and every mistake is huge. Like huge piece of sheet.. *my bad*

Everything I do, some people just don't get it, and they don't ask why or what, they just say I'm doing things wrong. Its so depressing sometimes.

Eventually things don't work out. Some stuffs get way out of control. Family, friends and other peoples are just a glitched program that always say no although all requirements were fulfilled.

I ask God what is happening, yet my ears were unable to hear, and my heart somehow failed to reach God's voice.

Sometimes I felt God's touch in my life and sometimes I felt hell could've been a better place then here now.

There are things my words couldn't express and my mind couldn't figure.

Why do I live when I fail?

Why do I breath when I no longer succeed?

Why do I fall?

In my holiday I met devil. It wasn't scary at all, it looked like me. He laughed, he smiles, he sinned, just like me.

Am I so corrupted and so unforgivable to be the same level as the devil?

What kind of state is my mentality is right now?

I could no longer feel my legs.. My feets won't touch the ground. And when I gaze above, the bright blue sky turned into a black hollowed scene.

I couldn't bear it. My pride, my life, my knowledge.

Everything failed me. My humanity is lost, my patience has grow weak. Where would I be tomorrow?

Why o why can't I engrave murals on the wall and why can't I spill my blood and write my name in the floor.

God.. Take my burdens. I beg you..

I felt great despair, felt a cold and never ending loneliness.. Where are my walls? Where are my shelters? Where are my defenses?

My life my soul my hope.. No longer for me to claim.

My tears fall from my eyes and blood dance from all my body.

My pain, my wound. Everything been opened by a single nightmare.

Me and my sanity. Lost in the sea of dazzle.

Bless and curses are not to be separated.

Where can I seek my future?

All I could be proud of, lost in a sight of the world, my pride of my life, nothing to what the world has in her arsenal.

I felt weak, having no strength to stand, felt cold, no clothes to warm myself, felt danger with nothing to support my back.

I ran to the wilderness having no experience and equipment. Ready to die in the cruelty of the world?

Am I scared? Yes. Am I sane? Still. Am I alive? Barely. Am I myself? No.
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